you're my silver lining.

hey beano,

you are in r.a. training and i know it will be a few days until you are able to read this blog&bulletin. i am making sure you get to read this in some form or another. as you know, my days have been filled with anxiety, hopelessness, & glass half emptiness. i don't even know if the last two words i just typed are legitimate but you understand what i mean and honestly no one reads my blogs anways, so who cares.
two years ago , at this particular day, well technically yesterday, my life changed and led me to where i am now. when i think about this day, i think of the what could have beens and the what if's and i can't help but feeling that i will end up alone with seven cats. i have been too overwhelmed with sadness that this chapter of my life has found it's ending that i have failed to recognize the other important part of this. i have failed to see that i have survived these past two years because i have you. though there were others who have helped, you have been the ultimate one who have been my crutch, my strength, and my reason to live. you have been there even when it got annoying. =)
i don't think i have ever thanked you enough for never leaving my side and leaving me when i just need to be on my own; for always standing by whatever decision i made regardless of how stupid they may have been, even when there are slight judgments (let's be honest haha) , you stuck by me. thank you for being there through every decision, hesitation, leaps of faith, and complete stupidity.

today i bought free will in dvd, popped 2 st. john's worts pills for my anxiety , ate almost half of a chocolate cake, ate a jar of pickles &listened to sad songs. i was watching will and grace and thought of you and realized that if there were no you, no one would take the cake away (which would lead to my depression cause i'll be fat) and press pause on the sad music ( obviously, im speaking metaphorically seeing as you are in reno ! ) , but my point is, i couldn't imagine myself on a corner crying , or on the floor , or wherever, i couldn't imagine myself breaking down if there were no you to come to the rescue. so don't die. it's all about me ,remember? except on your birthday, lol .

i know we have our fights, when we agree to disagree, and when im a spoiled sucky friend,. i might be a sucky friend occasionally in the next few months or so, but at this point, if 15 years from now, &i am rich (haha) and alone with 7 cats, i think i'll be fine with that. only because i know that you'll still be around to bug the living crap outta me & put your feet on my blanket ( disgusting. ) . i know i'll always have you, scary and comforting at the same time , hahaha.

i promise you we will have a choreographed wedding ( not OUR wedding of course. lmao) for you . we will have the nicest nurseries for our hypothetical children ( not OUR children, you denied my eggs when you said you wanted kipton's body, ) & we will enroll in an interpretative dance class when were like 8th year college seniors. and we'll have dave barnes sing at my funeral then you can take him home.

you are the motherfucking princess. oh how priceless. lmao.
people have left, & people always leave.. but of course you are like the brother i never wanted and can't get rid of, so that i'm grateful for.
i am losing my "leo".&it is unbearable.. but i know ill still have you.
im proud of you . lourdes has raised a fine gay man. hahaha. =)
vicente is blessed to have you as a daughter.
i am making this public because i want the world to know how much you mean to me.
&because this grand gesture will make up for all the other times i was a sucky best friend.

i love you, plain and simple. call me every five minutes.

p.s. we still need to post our craiglist ad for a flamboyant gay man. get on it.
& don't let this get to your head too much.