i'm an island.

i'm totally going to quote paramore when i say that "i'm content with a life of loneliness."cheesy, i know. at least most days i am. today was probably one of the better days i have had in a while but on this cold and snowy night, i can't help but miss the feeling of knowing i belong to someone and that someone belongs to me. i've always been the single girl, out of my circle of friends, i've always been the friend who is kind of in a relationship but never the one truly happy in one. it just really made me wonder, what if it's not the men that i meet that is the problem, what if it's me? maybe i'm just so broken and derailed that maybe it scares people away.on the other hand, the times that i have been truly fixed and better, i was too happy and focused on myself that i didn't want anyone. i have been told that i am hard to get to know. my very best friend told me that i'm just a very complex person with many many layers. why can't i be just simple and permeable? this drives me nuts. this concludes my pathetic rambling. tomorrow is a new day and i'm going to do me.

he who must not be named.

I find the simple coincidence of attending a Harry Potter themed party and talking about my ex-boyfriend after a late night meal very interesting. Why you may ask? Well my best friend and I have this thing where we give all the boys we talk to or interested in or exboyfriends nicknames. This guy happened to be "Voldemort." Seriously. Why? Well because we don't speak of him nor dare mention his name and he is a slithering, lying, venomous person. I am not being a bitch, I'm just being honest. This person has caused me more pain and more heartache than what a person should go through. Even though without this relationship, I wouldn't be the strong and independent person that I am, I would never wish what I had gone through with him to ANYONE, not even him. So, I thought that it was kind of hilarious that I would be talking about this certain ex-boyfriend because you know, he's Voldemort and I was just at a Harry Potter party. Tonight reminded me of the strength I often forget I have. Talking about the person and the events in my life that caused me tears, pain, anxiety, and heartaches over the past two years and NOT shed a tear was LIBERATING to say the least. I didn't feel anything but relief knowing this person no longer affects me the way he used to. Though this is not to say that I don't occasionally deal with the effects of this tragic relationship. Actual story, (you can see this on my twitter for proof), but I jokingly asked my bestfriend, "since when did I become the president of bitter people?" and his response was, "since Voldemort struck you in your cute little forehead Harry Potter." Hilarious, I know. It's hard for me to trust people, I always feel like a Killing curse is on its way to hurt me. (Notice my intention to keep the Harry Potter theme.) I just can't afford losing pieces of myself anymore, kinda like horcruxes. Okay, this is getting too nerdy, but my point is.. the scar doesn't hurt anymore. Thank freakin' jesus.

set me free,

white lies. black lies. it doesn't really matter what kinda lies it is, at the end of the day, it is what it is-LIES. people say it to avoid confrontation, avoid hurting others, or whatever had motivated them. truth is, it always comes out and i for one believe knowing is better than not knowing. happiness that rooted from a lie is not real happiness, at least for me. why celebrate in that momentary bliss? i'd rather be miserable, get over it, move on and pursue an honest version of my happiness. saying that ignorance is bliss, i think, is just dumb. spare me from ignorance and let me fight my way through. what's the point of that bliss when you walk around completely unaware of what's about to hit you? living in oblivion and waking up finding out that your life has done a complete turn around before you begin to even recognize is worse that just realizing the truth from the beginning. this is obviously subjective, but as it is my blog this is my stance.

, change.

for the first time in a long long time, i know and i feel that i'm going to be ok.
no matter what.

"Yes. Horrible things DO happen. Happiness in the face of all of that? That's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you’re not gonna die from those feelings...that’s the point."-Grey's Anatomy.

fear factor.

i diligently wait every sunday for new post secrets. i find comfort that although i feel alone, i find some relief in knowing that there are people out there who share the same fears as i do.





.the thought of not having my father at my wedding terrifies me.
.the thought of not even having a chance to have a wedding someday scares me.

this aint a game, this is a war.

lately i have found myself very exhausted. not just from school or work, but from just everything. it's been a struggle to get out of bed and i find myself staring at the ceiling hoping that some miraculous way, it'll give me the answers that i need. i just want some kind of stability. everything in my life seems to be so transient and i am wondering if this is just some weird phase or will this be a permament dilemma. i feel so isolated even though i have people surrounding me. recently i was presented a choice of finding out answers to all my questions and yet i hesitated. it is this constant battle over the bliss brought on by ignorance or the freedom brought by truth. sometimes i feel as if i am better off with the closure i provide myself, be it a lie or not, than having to relive the horror that comes with my past. sometimes i feel like it's impossible to breathe. i find it so exhausting to have to share my thoughts with friends just because it's repetitive and nothing has really changed.

.. i need to find something that will inspire me. something so powerful and moving, i wouldn't want to do anything else but strive for the best. i haven't been living my life to the best that i know i am capable of but i am trying. maybe not hard enough but the effort is there.

... i need to start defying gravity. to find the shine left in me despite the dark clouds hovering above me..

.. i need to fight.. i need to live and not just survive... i know what i need to do,.. it's how to do it that's proving to be the toughest part of it..

..forbidden to remember, terrified to forget..

it hurts, it simply hurts.
it hurts to breathe, it hurts to dream, it hurts to wake up.
it hurts to cry and it hurts not to cry.

i wonder how i got here?
to simply wake up to a life that doesn't seem to belong to me.
the tears can't wash away the pain&the slightest bit
of optimism left isn't enough to drown the void in my heart.

i just want to get to that point where the pain is at least bearable,
because this feeling in my heart is too much.

... missing you is exhausting.....