this aint a game, this is a war.

lately i have found myself very exhausted. not just from school or work, but from just everything. it's been a struggle to get out of bed and i find myself staring at the ceiling hoping that some miraculous way, it'll give me the answers that i need. i just want some kind of stability. everything in my life seems to be so transient and i am wondering if this is just some weird phase or will this be a permament dilemma. i feel so isolated even though i have people surrounding me. recently i was presented a choice of finding out answers to all my questions and yet i hesitated. it is this constant battle over the bliss brought on by ignorance or the freedom brought by truth. sometimes i feel as if i am better off with the closure i provide myself, be it a lie or not, than having to relive the horror that comes with my past. sometimes i feel like it's impossible to breathe. i find it so exhausting to have to share my thoughts with friends just because it's repetitive and nothing has really changed.

.. i need to find something that will inspire me. something so powerful and moving, i wouldn't want to do anything else but strive for the best. i haven't been living my life to the best that i know i am capable of but i am trying. maybe not hard enough but the effort is there.

... i need to start defying gravity. to find the shine left in me despite the dark clouds hovering above me..

.. i need to fight.. i need to live and not just survive... i know what i need to do,.. it's how to do it that's proving to be the toughest part of it..